


Damaged Goods

by space_ally



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: ALL the comfort, Brotzly - Freeform, DGHDA Beginner Bang 2018, DGHDA Big Bang and Beginner Bang 2018, Detective Agency, Dirk is also bad at feelings, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, M/M, Please Be careful, Self-Harm, Set after Season 2, Todd is Bad at Feelings, i made a friend feel sick, kittenshark - Freeform, please take the tw serious, sharkkitten, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 09:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14713349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_ally/pseuds/space_ally
Summary: Dirk hurts himself sometimes. Not in a major way, just enough to calm himself to the point his head doesn't feel like it's about to explode and his heart doesn't feel like it's beating out of his chest. Todd notices. Kind of. TW: Self-harm.Written for the 2018 DGHDA Beginner Bang.Beta’d by: hermitreunited.tumblr.comArtwork by: edenavari.tumblr.com





	Damaged Goods

**Author's Note:**

> Today's the day, can you believe? 
> 
> This was my first time participating and a huge "Thank you" goes out to the Mods who made all this possible, to my incredibly patient and uplifting beta, hermitreunited.tumblr.com and the AMAZING artist edenavari.tumblr.com who is responsible for the absolutely gorgeous art. 
> 
> Also a shoutout to ao3 user Chaoskitten for reading through this fic even though it was a tough journey, I'm so sorry <3
> 
> Before you start reading, this is another reminder: HUGE Trigger Warning. Self-harm is a major topic in this fic and if you can't stomach that, this work probably isn't made for you. Please put your health and well-being first. As someone who is very familiar with the topic I really want to stress this, writing it was super challenging and required a lot from me mentally. 
> 
> Sorry for rambling on for so long.
> 
> Enjoy!

Ever since they came back from Wendimoor and Bergsberg too, Dirk was acting strange. Stranger than usual. Calling him clingy would be the understatement of the century - and that was usual Dirk they were talking about.

Weird-fucking-Top-of-Mount-Insane-with-a-hint-of-Strangeness Dirk was even clingier. And awake for most parts of the night.

One particular night, Todd had enough, awoken by restless steps coming from the living room. He climbed out of his bed, opened the door and wasn’t surprised to find Dirk walking from one end of the room to the other like a wind-up toy, restless circles with no sense of direction.

“Dirk. It’s three am. Why?” Todd asked, rubbing his eyes.

The detective stopped walking to look at his assistant. He seemed like he wanted to say something, changed his mind, but spoke nonetheless. 

“Do you ever wonder what happened to the kitten?”

Todd didn’t has the chance to answer, because Dirk started trailing off, “Beast, the air gun, Lydia, Estevez, the kitten. That means something. It has to mean something, they are involved, they have to fit in so they are connected. Everything is connected. But why is everything so blurry?”

Dirk let out a frustrated groan and started walking again. Todd simply went back to bed. He didn’t have the energy to deal with any interconnectedness at three am in the morning.

***

When Todd woke up for a second time, the sun was up already. He figured it to be a reasonable time to get breakfast, so he got up.

Walking into the living room, he saw Dirk sitting on the sofa in the middle of the room, some kind of beverage in his hands, eyes fixed on the tv. The tv that wasn't even turned on.

"Morning," he greeted the detective but there was no answer, not even a reaction. It was as if he never said anything.

Todd helped himself to some cereal and sat down next to Dirk.

"Are you... Trying to watch tv or something?" he asked and vaguely gestured towards the remote control. Dirk shook his head. Todd took a look at the piles of handwritten notes surrounding the other man.

"Dirk, what is going on?"

Slowly, the detective blinked and turned his head to look at his assistant. He seemed calmer than before, however the dark circles under his eyes confirmed Todd's theory of him not getting much sleep.

"I'm trying to get the hang of this new case," Dirk answered and switched his mug with mysterious contents for a pen, then started chewing on said pen absent-mindedly.

"Did you even sleep at all? How long has this been going on?"

Dirk shook his head, the expression on his face blank and unreadable.

"Listen, man, you need to get some sleep. It's... Unhealthy? I don't know anything about it but I'm guessing it's not healthy to deny your body rest" Todd looked at Dirk but he seemed to look right through him.

"Farah called. She'll be staying with Lydia for a little longer since there's no case." Dirk said, furrowing his brows, shaking his head lightly before putting the pen down. After that, he really looked at Todd.

"Are you okay, Dirk? A lot happened with Blackwing and Wendimoor and all that shit. If you need to talk, I'm here, you know?" Dirk smiled at him. "Thanks Todd. You're a good friend." He then got up and left the room.

***

Dirk couldn't remember at what point it all became too much.

His thoughts were spinning, spiraling, there was so much going on, so much to think about, so much to keep in mind, too much to focus.

He felt his chest tighten and closed his eyes for a moment, his back to the closed door and sliding  down until he hit the ground. The loose, grey sweatshirt Todd had given to him stuck to his skin where blood met fabric. He didn't mean to mess it up, he just figured from his experience people didn't react well to other individuals cutting their own skin.

It was a normal thing for him to do. Other people took out their bike for a ride or had a workout at a gym or something, he didn't have opportunities like that in Blackwing. He just knew they didn't like him acting up so he was supposed to deal with it. Somehow. It's not like they cared how.

Dirk took a deep breath and rolled up his sleeves, the small blade in his hand trembling. A metallic ‘clank’ was audible when a knock on his door startled the detective. He hurried to hide the weapon and rolled his sleeves back down.

“Who is it?”

“What kind of question is that even, it’s me, Todd. We’re on our own, remember?” Todd answered through the door.

“It could have been Mona, we both know that,” Dirk answered and got up to open the door.

“Mona seems pretty comfortable being your favorite chair. I don’t think she’d just give that space up to knock on your door for no reason.

“Hi,” Todd then greeted Dirk quietly, the wooden surface of the door no longer separating them.

“What is it?”

Todd sighed. “You’ve been acting weird lately. I mean, weirder than usual. I’m worried about you.”

Dirk took a deep breath and it felt like an eternity until he finally spoke. “Is there something I can do to ease your mind?”

Todd followed an impulse when he gently took the detective’s hand and led him back to the sofa. He waited until he sat down to join him, letting go of his hand in the process.

“Eat. Drink. Sleep. Stop thinking about the case for a short while. You won’t be able to solve any cases at all if you’re not here. And you’re pretty absent at the moment. I made some food and I can either stay with you or don’t. Just-”

Dirk interrupted, “Please don’t go.”

Todd nodded, finding it hard to speak suddenly. He swallowed before he answered, “Sure, I’ll stay. Let me just… Get your plate.”

He stood up and went to the kitchen where he took a moment to compose himself. Dirk’s look when he asked him to stay was heartbroken and completely threw him off. This wasn’t about any feelings he might have for the detective. This was about caring for him and making sure he was okay. A totally normal thing for friends to do. Why the thought made his heart race, Todd couldn’t figure out, though.

***

Todd made him eat some scrambled eggs and toast and a fresh tea too, after he discovered the fluid from his cup this morning to be English Breakfast tea. They sat on the sofa together, a movie playing in the background, but no one was paying attention.

Todd had gotten up to get a blanket and wrapped Dirk in it, blushing when their faces had gotten close. Both of them were occupied by thoughts and sat a little further apart than necessary.

“I’ve been having nightmares,” Dirk suddenly confessed, “That’s why I don’t sleep. Or try to avoid it. I know I’m not in Blackwing anymore but… Sometimes I wake up and it’s so cold and empty and I feel the panic closing up my throat-”

Dirk shivered and Todd moved closer. The sadness and panic in Dirk’s eyes were a torture for him. Because he knew, no matter how many times Todd could tell him -  that he was back, that he was free, that they wouldn’t get to him again - if Dirk didn’t believe it, there was no point to it.

“That makes sense and it’s a very valid reason, but Dirk. You can’t just stay awake. I know you’re afraid. But this is not the answer. You have to get some sleep.”

Tired eyes looked at Todd. “If it’s  too much to ask, just say so,” he said, “But could you stay? Not waking up alone would be-“

“Of course,” Todd answered, maybe a bit too quickly for a platonic friend.

Dirk visibly relaxed and slid down a little, leaning against Todd.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Yes. Don’t worry. Just… Close your eyes and try to get some sleep. I’m here,” Todd answered.

A soft smile ghosted over Dirk’s lips. “Thank you, Todd. You’re the best,” he whispered, before he fell asleep. He didn’t see the fondness on his assistant’s face and he didn’t hear the “I love you” from Todd that freaked the assistant out for at least half an hour until he finally convinced himself that Dirk probably didn’t even hear it.

***

“You're not alone,” Dirk heard Todd say and opened his eyes to find himself in complete emptiness tinted in a darkish grey. Blackwing grey.

He was surprised to find Bart sitting in a corner of the room, completely relaxed like she belonged there.

“Are you here to kill me?” he asked and walked closer.

Bart lifted her head and looked at Dirk, a knowing smile on her face. “You'll be back soon. I'm here to tell you that you have to kill someone. Since I'm locked up, it's your job. That's how the universe works.”

Dirk violently shook his head. “That's insane. This is a dream. It's not real.”

Bart got to her feet and stepped closer to him, leaning towards him.

“Or is it?” she asked and pushed up her sleeves revealing scars mirroring his own. Panic got its hold on Dirk and he stumbled backwards, turned around to run, to leave it all behind and he kept running and running but the emptiness surrounded him and when his stamina ran out, he collapsed to the floor, sobbing. A knife slid past him and Bart’s words echoed in his head, “You have to kill someone, and you'll come back to Blackwing. It's all connected.”

“Who?!” he screamed desperately. There was no answer.

***

Dirk woke up trying to catch his breath. He knew there was air and he should be able to breathe but he felt like his torso had been crushed by a whale. He felt hands reaching for him in a comforting manner but the wrists belonging to the hands looked scarred and bloody and Dirk just wanted to get away.

“Hey, shh, Dirk, it's alright. You're okay. You're here, with me. Todd. Your assistant. In the Agency. Your Agency.”

Dirk came to a halt, blinked, and the scars vanished. He looked up at Todd, who was trying to smile at him to calm him down. He was still shaking and it wasn't like his breathing magically got easier but his heartbeat slowed a little.

“Todd,” he choked out and before either  of the two knew what happened, he fell into his assistant’s arms, sobbing.

They shared one of those hugs where you never want to let go. Todd felt Dirk's tears soaking the fabric of his shirt but he didn't care, just held him tighter, face buried in the crook of his neck and breathing in his scent. He felt like letting his lips trail across the delicate skin but restrained himself. However, his hands caressed the back of Dirk's head and his back, light touches to let him know he was there.

Dirk's hands were clenched into fists and clammy; he felt awful and sweaty and like a burden. He wished he was able to let go of Todd but his embrace was warm and welcome and the exact opposite of cold and empty Blackwing rooms. The steady heartbeat that wasn't his own calmed him down and Todd's touches left a tingle on his skin that made him feel electric. He decided to sort out these kinds of thoughts later.

“I'm sorry,” Dirk apologized after what felt to both of them like a small eternity but not long enough.

“Don't. It's fine. How are you?”

Dirk was too tired to lie. He was too tired to tell the truth, too. So he just sat there, looking and feeling miserable and lifted his shoulders slightly for a shrug.

“I should take a shower.” He then realized at the same time as he didn't find the energy in himself to get up. He was accustomed to this feeling of complete and utter tiredness, contrary to the restless thoughts that made it impossible to stay calm. It was like he was bound to either one of the two states.

“Dirk?” Todd's voice took him back to reality.

The detective buried his face in his hands.

“I'm just so tired…”

After a pause that felt like forever, Dirk took a look at Todd before asking, “Would you mind staying with me? I mean you probably have stuff to do and I've been such a burden the entire day, actually wait, please forget I said anything-”

Todd caught Dirk's widely gesturing hands in his. “You're not a burden. We're friends, remember? You would do the same for me, right?”

‘ _Because cuddling with your platonic friends is a perfectly normal thing to do,_ ’ a voice in Todd's head mocked him. He chose to ignore it.

Suddenly, both of them became very aware of the fact that their hands were still touching and Todd cleared his throat while letting go hastily. The action caused a feeling of loss inside of Dirk and he felt like climbing into a hole and never coming back out. Todd noticed Dirk's expression shifting and tried to ignore it but didn't find it in him to do so. He took Dirk's hands back in his and saw the detective’s face light up. It was like a glimpse of the Dirk who climbed through his window and made him an assistant.

Todd took a deep breath and before he was able to stop himself, he suggested  Dirk could lie down in front of him. Their sofa wasn't really big enough to fit both of them effortlessly so they were very close and Todd became painfully aware of that fact. They were practically spooning. And Dirk acted like it was a perfectly normal thing to do.

Todd waited until he was sure Dirk was asleep to get a little more comfortable. He didn't want to wake him up but he also didn't know where to put his arm. He decided to put it around Dirk's waist, careful not to wake him up, but his concerns were unnecessary because the detective actually leaned into his touch.

“I’m worried about him.” Todd almost jumped hearing the voice that belonged to neither him nor Dirk. Mona was sitting cross-legged on the floor, looking at the two of them.

“Jesus Christ, Mona, you almost gave me a heart attack!” Todd whispered. He didn't want to wake up Dirk. He took a moment to think about how long Mona had been with them before he continued, “Wait, did you listen to us talking?”

Mona nodded innocently, causing Todd to panic. “Did you hear… Everything?”

“Oh are you worried about the part where you told him that you love him? I thought that was really sweet!” Mona exclaimed, a shy smile on her lips, “You should tell him when he's awake though, otherwise he won't know, you know?”

“It's not like that! I just said it to comfort him or something it's not like I meant it-”

Mona looked shocked when she asked, “You didn't mean it?”

Todd shook his head, eyes wide open. “You're gonna break his heart,” Mona whispered, slowly backing away.

“N-no! I would never! Listen, I don't know, okay? Can we just… Not talk about this right now?”

“Talk about what?” Dirk's voice was slightly hoarse from sleeping. He turned around to face Todd before opening his eyes slowly.

“Talk about what, Todd?” he asked again, blinking against the sunlight kissing his skin. Todd looked helplessly at Mona but she had turned back into a chair already.

“Nothing, I was just- Nevermind. How did you sleep? I didn't want to wake you up…”

Dirk beamed at Todd and it hit the assistant like a brick as a wave of affection washed over him.

“Shit I think I'm in love with you,” he blurted out, not even giving the detective any time to answer the question he previously asked.

Dirk's expression shifted. He was definitely taken by surprise but Todd wasn't able to read anything else into it.

“What?” Dirk asked, sitting up. The sunlight dipped his hair in gold.

Todd broke into helpless stuttering, averting the other's eyes. He stopped when Dirk took his hands in his. The assistant took a deep breath and faced the other man.

“You're the most annoying person I have ever met. You kind of forced yourself into my life. And I'm so lucky you did.”

Dirk opened his mouth to say something but he couldn't. He practically fled to his room, slammed the door behind him and curled himself into a corner. Todd didn't see him for the rest of the day.

***

Todd was miserable. And confused. And hurt.

He had a long conversation with Farah on the phone; he didn't explicitly state what happened but Farah was amazing at figuring out details so she knew what happened about five minutes after they started talking.

Dirk was in his room, still backed into the corner. He was miserable, too. And overwhelmed.

His thoughts were a never ending circle of random aspects that might be connected but also the voice that kept telling him, ‘ _You don't deserve to be loved,_ ’ and he knew he didn't, he was messed up and he couldn't drag poor innocent, beautiful, amazing Todd into it. He regretted pulling him into all of this, this mess that was his life in the first place, he hated himself for it.

No matter how deep he cut, he didn't feel anything and whenever blood spilled, his tears did too.

***

It was probably around five am when Todd woke up to what sounded like someone scratching on his door. He already had a hunch who it could be but he also didn't feel like facing Dirk. The loud ‘thud’ as if a body fell to the floor, made him get up and open the door, however.

Dirk was wearing an ill-fitting grey shirt matching his almost ashy skin color but the only color Todd saw was red.

He fell to his knees and caught Dirk in his arms, careful not to touch his wrists, pulling him as close as physically possible.

“What have you done, Dirk, why? Why did you do this to yourself?” he asked, not sure what to do or say.

“Thoughts. Thinking,” Dirk muttered. “It helps me keep focus.”

Todd buried his face in Dirk's neck, close to crying. Dirk himself seemed apathetic but he leaned heavily against Todd and his breaths were even.

“We need to clean this and patch you up, okay?” Todd asked, trying to lift Dirk up with him, supporting him with his arm around his torso. Together they stumbled to the bathroom, Todd supporting almost all of the detective’s weight and gently letting him down on the floor while also grabbing a wet cloth and the first aid kit Farah had insisted on buying.

“Todd,” Dirk managed to get out, tears in his eyes, “you deserve better. I'm sorry.”

Todd let himself down in front of Dirk again putting the first aid kit and the cloth aside to cup Dirk's face with his hands.

“Is that what you're thinking? That I deserve better? Dirk, I've been a liar and a jerk most of my life! You made me do the right thing! Amanda was the one to point it out in the first place but from that moment I knew she was right. I don't ‘deserve better,’ I should be lucky to have you! And I am! You stupid idiot don't get to decide what I deserve, you only get to decide on your feelings, not anyone else's!”

Dirk stared at Todd, blinking slowly, processing what he just heard. The assistant let go of his face and carefully grabbed his left arm instead.

“You can think about that while I clean this up, okay? It's probably gonna hurt a little, the water should be okay but the alcohol is gonna sting. Are you with me?”

Dirk nodded, too intimidated to speak. He silently watched Todd clean his cuts, slightly jumped at the burn of the alcohol on his skin and made his arm more accessible when Todd started wrapping bandages around it.

Todd repeated his steps at Dirk's other arm too, his movements confident but gentle.

“I tried so hard not to love you,” Dirk suddenly whispered and Todd stopped wrapping bandages to look him in the eyes.

“When I was in Blackwing, as a kid, I couldn't figure out my hunches because I couldn't leave. It drove me mad, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight. And they were unhappy with my performances so they… I was punished for bad performances. There was no one to talk to so I had to figure out a way to deal with it myself.”

Dirk lifted his gaze and there was so much pain and suffering in his eyes, it made Todd's heart hurt.

“It became a habit. I didn't mean to hurt you, I never meant to. I did pull you into this, this mess. I'm responsible for that. Maybe I was just being selfish because I never had friends. Never had someone who cared. I didn't expect any of that and it felt good and you, oh god, I couldn't let you go because you made me feel like sunshine and when I look at you I _feel_. But those are bad and selfish feelings and to demand for you to love me back-”

Todd interrupted, “This has nothing to do with you. I mean, it does, but only because I fell in love with the person you are. There is no ‘demanding to love you back,’ there are no rules to love. It happens. And if you're lucky, you get to share it with a person that means the world to you.”

Dirk looked down on his arms and felt the tears well up again. “But I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm not okay. I can't put that kind of burden on you.”

Todd came closer, their noses almost touching when he answered, “So what. I'm a mess, too. But you made me believe in the interconnectedness of all things. Maybe I can't connect all your pieces back together. But I want to be by your side when you start building yourself up again.”

Their first kiss was far from perfect. But maybe that was exactly what made it perfect to them.

 

***

_3 months later_

 

Dirk felt Todd's hand tighten his grip around his own and turned his head to look at the assistant.

“You okay?” he asked and Dirk took a deep breath and nodded. They were outside on a walk around town and something seemed to worry the detective, Todd figured by the slight tremble in his hands.

“You don't have to lie to me, you know?” Todd said and stepped closer to Dirk, his free hand reaching to caress his cheek.

“I'm really not,” Dirk noticed, a small smile on his lips “I just… Don't want this day to end.”

Todd hummed in agreement and let Dirk lead him to a small bench facing a park. The sun was close to setting and there was something to the long shadows the trees caused on the gras.

Golden light also highlighted the healed but visible scars on Dirk's arms. He was wearing one of Todd's Mexican Funeral shirts, a little big on him but Todd loved to see his clothes on Dirk.

The detective noticed where Todd's gaze lingered and a small blush tinted his cheeks. “Guess I'm damaged goods.”

Todd shoved him lightly. “Shut up. I love you.”

Dirk averted his eyes. He slid his hand out of his assistants’ and tried to pull on the sleeves of his shirt without any success.

“Are you cold?” Todd asked, already in the middle of taking off his jacket to give it to the other. Dirk shook his head, “People keep staring.”

Dirk's blush intensified when Todd kissed his cheek, eyes full of love locked on his, reaching for his chin and tilting his head lightly to be able to continue his journey, ending with their lips touching.

It was a gentle, relaxed kiss. Dirk closed his eyes, breathed in the scent of Todd, their movements lazy and calm. When they parted, they still were out of breath.

“Only because you're beautiful” Todd whispered. The giggle that escaped Dirk was the most amazing sound to Todd's ears.

“I love you too” Dirk then said, going in for another kiss.

The sun set, leaving them illuminated by a single street lamp, fingers entwined, caught in a kiss, Todd’s jacket between them on the bench.

They were not okay. But they were okay with that because they were trying to figure it all out together.

**Author's Note:**

> Did anyone get the HHGTTG reference?
> 
> Maybe leave some love for this awesome artwork (edenavari.tumblr.com), scream at me on twitter (@ajayalive) or follow my Dirk Gently Instagram account (@bibbit.didit) ?
> 
> Comments make my day by the way (:


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